Mental Cleaning Rota - It's Totally Mental

Balancing cleaning and being a fun mum is a fine art. At the moment, as my little boy is so young (5 months old), there is never a time I have to be serious with him. It's all play, giggle, play. He's also not on the move yet, other than a few minutes in his baby walker (you don't want to find yourself in his path when he's piloting that thing!). So we're just having a ball most of the time, even when I'm dusting and scrubbing, he finds it hilarious. This enables me to keep most chores in check. Although I plan to keep cleaning a fun part of the day, I'm also thinking realistically and I'm quite sure he'll cotton on eventually that this cleaning malarkey is a bit too repetitive to be an exciting activity. Not only that but in a few months he'll be 'go! go! go!' and obviously I prioritize his safety and happiness over a spick & span abode.

I don't know how long this phenomena called 'baby brain' is supposed to last, but it's showing no signs of departing any time soon. In fact I believe I'll be suffering from 'toddler-brain' to 'teenager-brain'. One side effect of this condition is me cleaning the same things twice and leaving others for far too long. Plus I'll always opt to do anything over cleaning the floors (after all, it's much easier to just keep cleaning my feet - am I the only skank that does this?!). With the likelihood of having less cleaning time in future months, something had to change. 'What are the minimum cleaning jobs during the week?' I pondered. I do laundry all throughout the week and the kitchen almost everyday anyway, so those aren't a worry.

Everyone does things differently, but I chose the following:

Floors

Dusting

Main Bedroom (everything inc. changing sheets)

The Nursery (same as above)

Bathroom

Outdoor jobs (hosing balconies down etc)

Sofas (vacuuming & replacing throws)

I once had a cleaning rota. I had a checklist for each day and specified colours for different jobs. I even laminated it. Yep, laminated it... whiteboard markers were purchased to tick off jobs as I went. It lasted a week. The truth is, even the ticking felt like a waste of time. I'm now really determined to find a way that works for me, to have all jobs covered each week, so, staring at my new list... hmm, there are 7 there... 7 days in a week. I know, I'll assign 1 job to each day of the week. How will I remember? A play around with letters and words would definitely work for me.

Ok, Floors on a Friday.

Main bedroom begins with M. That's a Monday job.

The Nursery. Th. Thursday for sure.

Bathroom can be called Toilet instead and become Tuesday's task.

What's left? Dusting. Outdoor jobs. Sofas. Wednesday. Saturday. Sunday.

Well with allocating Saturday for Sofa duty, I'll play with the 'sun' of Sunday to remind me to get outside and pick up the hose. That goes well with my lifestyle too, as I was brought up in a home of outdoorsy Sundays; tea parties with teddy bears in the shade of a tree, the smell of freshly cut grass filling the air while my parents tended to the garden around me... I digress... There is no ring to 'Wednesday Dusting' so I swapped Wipe Down for Dusting.

Summarizing:

Monday Main Bedroom

Tuesday Toilet

Wednesday Wipe Down

Thursday The Nursery

Friday Floors

Saturday Sofas

Sunday Sun

It's been a week of following this routine now and it's going extremely well, mainly because rather than pottering-about-cleaning in the morning, I have a specific task to crack on with. I used to let my eye catch a bit of dust from afar, which I'd then go and wipe down even though I was already half way through something else. But that has stopped now. My jobs are complete by lunch time, freeing up the rest of the day for other things, be they extra cleaning or meeting friends. 

So now it's just a case of remembering which day of the week it is. Hmmm.

Mottos To Live By (Part 1)

Along the journey of making positive changes in my life, I have picked up a few 'mottos' that when I've applied them to my situations, I have seen vast improvements in my well-being. In fact it wasn't until writing this blog post that I realized how many I actually have! So these are a selection of many. I will start with a quote from one of my favorite films, 'Our Idiot Brother', said by the main character, Ned:

1) "I live my life a certain way. And that is, I like to think if you put your trust out there, I mean you give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, they'll want to live up to it. It doesn't always work out, clearly, but I think that if you do people will rise to the occasion."

I have chosen this one first, as I had completely forgotten about it until recently, yet it is the most important to me. I've had people in my life who's seemingly kind actions usually had ulterior motives behind them. Although I'm distancing myself from those with this insincere trait, I had definitely got into a bad habit of assuming that every kind gesture of theirs was to get some kind of personal gain. As Eckhart Tolle (author of my favorite book, 'A New Earth') says:
"When you pronounce judgment upon someone, you confuse those conditioned mind patterns with who they are. To do that is in itself a deeply conditioned and unconscious pattern. You give them a conceptual identity, and that false identity becomes a prison not only for the other person but also for yourself."
So if you notice yourself groaning or mentally saying "oh here we go" as someone approaches you, nip it in the bud and open your mind to them.

2) "If you haven't got anything good to say, (you're probably not thinking hard enough, however it's still best that you...) don't say anything at all."

This one is generally for strangers and acquaintances. I'm a strong believer in being completely open and honest (even if it will upset the listener) however with unfamiliar folk, I'd rather leave them with good vibes. I like to think I help my good friends pursue hopes so a bit of constructive criticism could help them go a long way. Also, I'm sure the friendly morning jogger is only being polite when he asks "hi, you alright?" as he runs past. I'd definitely choose to respond with a smile and a "good thanks" over stopping him in his tracks so he can hear a brief low down of a terrible day.

3) "If it's not your story to tell, don't tell it."

Enough said.

4) "Disarm guilt as a weapon"

The defense's lawyer would have no chance in the courtroom if some folk I've encountered took to the stand. They could make anyone break down with guilt, even the innocent. I'm happy to have known people who do this, as I've learned to recognize the behaviour and can turn it around. If you've ever made a change in your life, that you feel is the right decision, there's a chance you too, have left one or two sullen people in your wake. You're not quite living your life how they want you to, so the attempt of taking you along for a ride of guilt transpires and suddenly, your life decisions are in their hands. Disarm guilt as a weapon and regain control.

5) "It always seems impossible until it is done." - Nelson Mandela

When I was pregnant, I made a positivity board. The idea behind it was, that if I ever had to pace up and down with a crying baby, close to tears myself, I'd glance at board of uplifting (but not patronizing) quotes and pictures and feel better. Although "imagine babies with mustaches" was a good one, it was trumped by "It always seems impossible until it is done". Thankfully I've never had to use it for the way I intended, but the words still stuck in my mind. It has been repeated so many times now, that there's even a tune for it. While out and about, trying to figure out the best way to calm a grizzly little one, I've almost gotten a little stressed. Then I would start thinking "I'll just pack up and go home". A few minutes later, the baby boy is asleep and it seems like it wasn't such a big deal after all.

So have you got any phrases you apply when you find yourself needing a bit of a boost? If you have, I'd love to hear them!

Friendship Refreshment

The people in our lives come and go with change, a new job, moving house, we've all experienced this. These people we surround ourselves with influence our lives tremendously. So here's a thought: what is the role of the people in your life? Do they elevate you to be the best person you can be? Or do they hold you back? It might seem silly at first, "Why would I spend time with people if they hold me back?", but for some of us, the truth is, we do. It might be because these are the people that we have met through chance encounters, who kind of hung on, or because of a bad habit of our own, eg indulging in gossip. Surprisingly, few of us choose the bulk of our friendships deliberately. We don't necessarily make the choice of who surrounds us consciously. So what if we think about changing that?

I'm not one for getting too close to those who are extremely negative anyway, but when I think of people holding me back, I also think of those who, after having a chat with them, I have that feeling of being drained of energy. Being there for a friend in need is one thing, but I'm talking about the ones who seem to create problems for themselves to complain about. And not just the complainers, but the ones who clearly have no intention of looking on the bright side of life any time soon. The ones who I've often gone against my own principle of pushing 'help' onto them, by sharing a brilliant flow chart with them (they often aren't looking for help, just crave sympathy, so when you do offer alternative ways of looking at things, there is zero interest).

Looking at it from all angles, to be honest, if I choose not to give the sympathy-cravers the "oh how awful for you" responses that they're after, perhaps their lives would be better without me too? 

Unfortunately, some people I know are really held back by those they call friends. You could call it adult bullying. Dreams quashed: "Ha! Yeah right love, dream on!"... "I wouldn't bother if I were you, it probably won't work out". It is such a shame to see. But it's important to realise that there is a choice here. They allow it to happen. Perhaps to avoid confrontation, or for fear of upsetting, but this is where a subconcious (or concious) decision of loyalty is made; "With whom shall I remain loyal to? This 'friend' or myself?". Ultimately, they choose the friend. Now I've spoken about this before and I accept others' opinions of this seeming selfish, but I truly believe that taking care of ourselves should be high up on our list of priorities (the Bible's quote of "if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit" comes to mind), often before looking after others.

I have adopted quite a few mottos recently, as I'm making positive changes in my life. It wasn't that I felt like I needed to, but why not? One of these mottos is "drop the bad, add the good". I've applied it to habits (a blog post will be coming soon regarding those) and I'm going to apply it to people too ("what a bitch!"). Obviously you don't go around getting rid of people, at least I really hope not, but in my opinion, there is no reason why we can't lessen or eliminate the time spent with the people who have a negative effect on us... "drop the bad".

What about "add the good"? Well the exciting thing about this 'friendship refreshment' is that dropping the bad frees up space and time for meeting new people (actually for me, adding the good is also about increasing the get-togethers with the people who are already in my life). Not only this, but it can bring about new hobbies, it can fulfill lifelong dreams. For example perhaps you are craving interaction with more adventurous types. The ones who take risks. Is a sky dive an ambition of yours? 2 birds, 1 stone, right there. Or maybe you're tired of the gossipy coffee mornings with the girls and have always fancied learning to crochet? Swap the caffeine fix for a craft one and join a crochet workshop instead.

I have learned a few things recently, but one is pin-pointing a trait in others who I have allowed to cloud my sunny skies. That trait is not accepting responsibility for their own actions and emotions. At some point in their lives they have picked up a habit of blaming others for the things they have done and the consequent feelings that have come with it. Probably because it got the results they were after. But since noticing this negative behaviour and allowing myself to take the trip of guilt a few too many times, I have decided to walk away from it. At least, until they realise how unhealthy it is for themselves and others. In my opinion, the day they stop relying on others for their emotional attention is the day they gain a healthy self-esteem and a general low level of neediness with people around them. This will set them free.

So where to start? Well, the advice I had was to think about the people you spend your time with. Write a list. It can be short, long, depending on your circumstances. Now ask yourself, do you want to become more like these people? Yes or no? Is anyone a bad influence that causes you to backslide? Are any of them a beacon of encouragement that help you flourish? And go from there. Get creative. Think about new, fun and exciting things that the world has to offer and take the positive folk with you. The negative ones will catch up, one day, and join you on the bright side of life.

Here's a lovely paragraph from Steve Pavlina's blog:

"The kinds of relationships I seek out today are those which have the potential to be win-win, where both people can help each other to grow in positive ways without holding each other back. Not one person using the other — synergy. I’m always open and inviting of new friendships of this kind. If I ever feel like I’m stuck in a cage, I know it’s time to reach out and make some new connections and/or loosen up some old ones."

Paradigm Shift

Everything around us is constantly evolving, but I am currently going through (what I would call) some life-changing experiences. We all learn things gradually as we walk our chosen paths, veering left and right, taking u-turns.. but there are certain times, when you are thrown off the path completely and you have to make some tough decisions. Sometimes we prefer the comfort of simply finding our way back. It's easier - to backtrack. Other times we opt for the harder task of creating an entirely new path. Either way, these experiences can teach us so much, IF we are willing to learn.

I feel I am now entering the third chapter of my life.

The second chapter began during the months of leaving secondary school. Something happened, and during a matter of minutes, a paradigm shift began to take place. The event itself wasn't a big deal, however it was a testing of my principles that caused me to have a think about things. Things I knew had to change. It was so hard at the time, but I was reassured of my decisions being the right ones after a couple of years.

I felt the beginnings, or potential at least, for a third chapter 2 years ago. I kept getting flashes... sparks of realizations, but no 'oomph' to really fuel those sparks into a roaring fire. In my opinion, you can't make these things happen. You can try and you'll go a little way, but something out of your control needs to happen. You need to be thrown, thus forcing you to deal with things you may not want to have to deal with.

Believe it or not, I'm not necessarily talking about experiences such as marriage, or starting a family - at least not the case for me anyway. It could also be a single moment, a 'glimpse' if you will, where suddenly something just comes to you. A snowball effect ensues and you find yourself with a hundred answers, some you didn't even know you had questions to. For me, there are many questions as well, but once the scariness of dealing with change has passed, it's incredibly exciting, and I have found these are the times when I really feel I'm 'growing up'.

Apologies for the vagueness of this post, but the details aren't important and they're kind of personal :-) Have I left you completely bemused or can you relate? I'd love to know x

Just Be Good

My sister has a blog, 'Geraldine Jayne' which I absolutely love. She blogs about her experiences, through her eyes as a Christian. So the fact that I am not religious in any way (in fact I love my science and nature programs about evolution), you'd think it would surprise me that I love her blog so much. But it doesn't, because her posts have a theme - a theme I feel strongly about - and that is growing 'spiritually'; learning how to better yourself, showing compassion for others and focusing on the positivity of things. I literally get excited when I see she has just posted on her blog - I sometimes even save it until I can't resist a good read!

I love our chats, too. We don't push our beliefs on each other, however we do share them and often agree, replacing words like 'ego' with 'flesh' and 'Mother Nature' with 'God'. There is a quote from my favorite show of Ricky Gervais', 'Derek', that reminds me of our relationship:
"I've met people who believe in God that are good and that are bad. And I've met people who don't believe in God that are good and that are bad. So, just be good. I'm good. Not cos I think I'll go to heaven but because when I do something bad, I feel bad. And when I do something good, I feel good."

And that's it for this post... so for now, just be good :-)

Getting the Best Out of a Situation

I have a wonderful friend, who is one of- no, let's say 'the most', balanced person I have ever known. She embraces everything that life throws at her, and with a smile on her face (a cheeky-up-to-mischief grin actually). I could not put a price on the advice she gives, it's invaluable to me.

When I've found myself stressing over a particular problem, there has been one phrase that she has said to me (on more than one occasion), and that is; "Realistically, what do you want to come of this situation and how can you best achieve it?". I've been thinking back to this phrase a lot recently... in fact it can be applied regularly each day. It seems too simple, but it does a few things for me. Firstly, it makes me pause to think, before letting my ego control a situation. Secondly, it changes my mentality from idly complaining, to getting proactive and making changes to make my life happier. Thirdly, the "how can you best achieve it?" part forces me to really try to understand another's viewpoint.

With each time I have asked myself these questions, I feel my understanding of others comes about more quickly (it's amazing how this makes your feelings of irritation just melt away!). This doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them, and that's ok, but that I can at least be more willing to see their point of view. Once I have put myself in the other person's shoes, I find it enables me to think up more realistic compromises. After all, It would be extremely narrow-minded to assume we could alter another's viewpoint to match ours, so we should never aim to 'win'. Eg, in an argument.

A quote from Steve Pavlina:
"In a typical argument, each person tries to prove themselves right and the other person wrong. Of course, we all know what happens in the end — each person only ends up more entrenched in their views, regardless of who seems to deliver the most dominant argument. An argument cannot be won with resistance. You will only strengthen the other person’s resolve. At best you will both leave in a state of stubbornness, but little communication will have actually occurred."

 Once I have a good compromise in mind, I then have a think of the personality of the person in question. For example, politely and quietly informing a boot camp sergeant that it upset you a bit when he called you 'weak' will likely have little to no effect whatsoever. By the same token, shouting at a timid individual will probably have too strong an impact on them.

My wonderful husband is a cheeky, lovable so-and-so. A few years ago, it really irked me that although we both worked full-time, it was me that did the vast majority of housework. I desperately wanted to change this, but how? I tried a rota. Of course he found loop-holes, as he did in any agreement of this sort. On the rare occasion that he carried out a chore, it wasn't quite up to standard (he lacked the no-need-to-iron-this-shirt-if-I-hang-it-out-properly skill). So what did I want to come of this situation? Reward or appreciation of what I do would be nice, at least some kind of balance, in a clean home. Realistically? He simply wasn't as driven as I was, he just wasn't bothered, so I couldn't expect him to do a great job, especially frequently. And anyway did I really trust him with the delicate clothing items? Honestly? If him doing laundry made more ironing work for me, I'd rather it not be done by him at all. Hmm, did he fake a bad job? I had to play him at his own dirty (excuse the pun) game.

Now I do all the laundry. That was the compromise. BUT... If he rolls up his dirty socks before throwing them in the laundry basket (I hate that!), they get put back in his drawer and, my favorite bit coming up right here... If he doesn't empty the pockets of the clothes he wants to be cleaned, I reward myself with their contents. That's my housekeeping money (and cotton buds!-ew). But here's the really dirty bit... If he's had a heavy session one evening, his dirty clothes will get a little strewn across the apartment. So early the next morning "Do you want these washed darling?" (I know his answer will be yes) and there's the housekeeping bonus! I'm sure most husbands would avoid any conversation with their wives regarding how much they spent on alcohol the night before, so both parties will keep quiet, the poor (another pun, sorry!) husband too afraid to ask how much, if any, money was left. Luckily for me, as my husband's friends will agree, he often (somehow!) comes home with more than he went out with!!

Baby on a Pedestal

Recently, my baby has started to cry when he is being handed over to others who want to hold him. At first my head told me 'he should get used to it' and I'd let him cry with the 'stranger' for a minute or 2, going against my heart's wishes of holding him close to me while I reassure him. Well that idea didn't last long and I started to have a little think about things.

Having a baby with you seems to give genuine strangers a license to make a bee-line for you and interrupt your current conversation with a friend so they can interact with you and your baby. I'm learning to be more open with folks like this as I know they do this with a fondness for children (although I still get an automatic response of feeling rather irritated by their lack of regard for my or my baby's personal space).

If I had little control over my body and I was still in the survival mode that I believe babies are in, during their first stage of life on the outside, I too would probably be horrified if I was taken away from my protector/s. In fact, force me into a room now, with someone I don't know and you're putting me into an extremely uncomfortable position. Get me to embrace them? Haha, my inner hippy wants me to say yes but being honest I'm too reserved for it to be genuine. Cringe.

I've come to realise that many of us expect quite a lot from babies. In fact I bet some mothers have been made to feel awful, that they have 'created' this whingy 4 month old, by lack of socialization. Not me, thankfully as I have caring people around me and anyone who would attempt to imply this to me wouldn't get taken notice of anyway, but I do hope these other mothers gain the confidence they need to take no notice and keep doing their thing.

Having had little to no experience with babies in the past, I tend to think "how would I feel if I was him?" regarding my baby in certain situations. One of these situations I include here is when he is tired. I think, 'ok, no noises too loud, although some noise is good... erm, let's see... not too much "in your face" stimulation, certainly no intense playing of any kind'. This has worked well for me so far. Something that surprises me then, is the behaviour of the other mothers or grandmothers who I don't know that come up to me. For example, if I say "Oh he's tired at the moment" suddenly a big grin and an "Oh! You're tired little one are you? Oh! Lovely! La la la la goo goo gaa!" aaand cue the discomforted noises of my little one. Sometimes I've even had "oh let's have a cuddle then if he's tired!". So what I would like to know is, what is your experience? Is this what worked for them when their babies were tired? Or do they just want to be close to this baby knowing that they don't have to handle the consequences of an irritable baby? It's only strangers that do this, so perhaps there's also an element of them getting the most out of this (likely only a) one-off event. Maybe it's been that long that they've forgotten? Unless they are simply just not thinking at all?

For now I'll give these folk a break and embrace (ha!) their friendliness. And to all the mothers out there; give yourself and your baby and break and just keep doing your thing. Let's stop expecting too much from our little ones, after all it's a pretty dangerous image; a baby on a pedestal.